Friends,
I’m not usually one to look a gift horse in the mouth, not least because gawping at horses’ mouths is a creepy habit unless you’re a dentist checking for damage done by an angry Blackpool fan letting out their angst on the beach, but this morning I had a long, hard stare down the throat of a prize donkey and decided that no, whilst I always like to recount fairy tales as my therapist said, this update has to be based on matter-of-fact cold hard data without prejudice that makes for a broadly law-abiding missive. So, no concocted hilarious piece of absurdism.
Well, it’s now all over, and the final standings after a fantastic, frantic, furtive, fantasian football festival are fixed, and its congratulations to Aleksa who won the top banana title for season 22/23 with 2,549 points, repeating his victory of season 20/21. Aleksa was sunning himself in mid-table at Christmas but has had the after burners on since.
After spending all season in the top three, Michael came a very, very close second on 2,522 – a gap of just 1% – so many hearty cheers for yon fella. Equally, Tudor burned up the last month or so to finish in third on 2,510 and if there were a couple more weekends, he’d be pecking Aleksa’s head for first.
And what a final week that was. Captain Harry nailed 32 points helping James S to top spot in the week (71), nudging the similarly Kane inspired Scott (65) into second and Tudor (62) into third, then leaving the rest of us crying into our beer (see previous update about salty tear drops and quivering bottom lip etc.) In terms of Manager of the Month for May, nestling in first was the recently rejuvenated James S (301), having edged out Tudor (282) who in turn left Princess Katie (263) in his wake.
Meanwhile, a special mention for Conor who made 24th spot his own from October onwards and was never really at risk from escaping from the clutches of bottom spot. He blames the price of milk, Brexit, the weather, Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby for his poor points tally. The fact he had five non-starters in his team this week is more to the point. I was told he still harbours expectations of a strong end to the season and still thinking that the two above him are catchable.
There, I think I’ve mentioned everyone. Thanks for playing, it was fun, so, let’s look towards next season. Michael has already graciously admitted defeat and looking to buy an entire new team. I’ve suggested Juventus but he didn’t smile. He’s already building up a spreadsheet for new signings.
Aleksa is already back in pre-season training and studying the two Manchester teams for this weekend’s Cup Final and his squad for next year. What a coup it’s been for English football, and for the metropolitan borough of Manchester, to play host to Pep Guardiola and Eric ten Hag, two of the top managers in the world. City have smiled all season, Utd less so, underachieving with faces on like a wet weekend in, well, Manchester (about 48 a year, by the way), while the Premier League title race has passed them by for another year. Next year could be different however, and Chelsea and Liverpool will improve, but then there’s Burnley to contend with too.
So, my 10p bet is on Man City to win the FA Cup and Big Euro Cup in the final two games of the season. Owned by an oil company, City are by far the greatest team the world has kerosene. You would have thought they might be running out of gas at this stage in the season, but they still looked pretty slick, barreling around the attacking third without quite igniting versus Chelsea on Sunday. Certainly, their final ball was often a bit crude and could have used some refining but, when it came to goals, the well was very much dry, it always looked like there was an opportunity in the pipeline. In the end, though the whole place ignited. etc and so forth.
The end is nigh. All that football we blinked through in these past nine months, seeking three points, now consigned to the records. August hopes now seem remote, our star forward bagged nine not twenty goals, utopia in sight but dashed at Leeds in a mid-week January fixture. And where there is ‘mathematical possibility’ there is hope, but now we are seventeenth and will finish in seventeenth. The last day was divided between the many playing for nothing and the few hoping for everything. For the fruitless and the hopeful, final days happen at two speeds in different time dimensions. The crowds say it all: beach balls where the games are pointless, or promotion/relegation anxiety fests.
Players will depart in the summer, a servant of ten years alongside a bright young thing who spent more time playing around than playing on the pitch. The last day of the season is the time to survey the wreckage, say farewell to those sat around you, shake hands and peer towards the horizon. Match of the Day was fleshy and voyeuristic as the vital games are not shown in sequence, but interspersed with another melodrama as the on-screen league table is updated, fluctuating with the pepping of goals. Win or lose, pogo and jive with excitement, or like Burnley v Orient, May 9 1987, just sheer bloody relief on a scale never previously encountered.
Then the first couple of Saturdays after the last day feels like a holiday. Transfer rumours, but Summer becomes a burden quickly with two empty months. We look forward to that Saturday morning in August, the birds will be chirping to a new tune. Our centre forward will get twenty goals this season.
The season schedule returns to normal following the COVID-19 pandemic and the 2022 World Cup, which has caused disruption across three consecutive seasons. The mid-season break returns, 13-20 January, and no two rounds across Christmas and New Year will take place within 48 hours of each other. The 2023/24 season will consist of 34 weekends, three midweek rounds, one Bank Holiday match round. You will be able to download all the fixtures when they are released on 15 June with the Premier League’s digital calendar.
Key dates to note:
14 June: transfer window opens, closes 11pm 1 September.
15 June: next seasons 380 fixtures are released at 9am,
10 July: estimated launch date for 23/24 Fantasy League
20 July: Women’s World Cup kicks off in Auckland, New Zealand. The Lionesses open their Group D account with a match against Haiti on 22 July. Both Australia and New Zealand are co-hosting this year’s tournament, marking the first time in Women’s World Cup history that there will be multiple host nations. The final will be held on 20 August in Sydney, Australia.
22 July: The Premier League’s first pre-season tournament in the USA will start, with six clubs taking part in matches and events in five major East Coast States – Villa, Brentford, Brighton, Chelsea, Fulham, Newcastle.
12 August: The 23/24 Premier League season kicks off. I bet there’s a Friday night game, so 630pm Friday August 11.
The start date of Saturday 12 August is 70 days from this Saturday…Going to the Match will be back soon.
Enjoy the summer.
Ron Manager
