tsf.tech fantasy league update – gameweek three

Well, three consecutive weekends without an international break, I feel exhausted. No managerial casualties yet, although Lampard, Rodgers, Lee Murphy, and Chris Beck need to improve results. With the Leicester chairman demanding stability, he said he won’t make a decision about Rodgers’ future until half-time on Saturday’s game versus Chelsea after a spawny win on penalties against Stockport in the Carabou Cup in midweek. 

This week’s photo shows angry Liverpool teammates castigating Jordan Henderson as he’d forgotten to put in the order for half-time sausage rolls at Old Trafford on Monday. I think he did it on purpose – they’d probably have thrown them at him in the dressing room for his abject performance.

First things first, as we do each week, let’s take a deep, analytical, philosophical, statistical, in-depth, oh-do-get-on-with-it look at the previous week’s results. In the only league that matters, Katie nailed top score in the week with 60 points, with a nice pick of Rodrigo 13 points. Second on 58 points was Scott and Michael Beck, both with Salah captain (16), with Sasha (57) in third. Scott took over the leader board (203 points) followed by Niall (194) and Conor (192) both offering themselves as serious contenders for the King Power hot seat to replace Deluded Brendan.

Three weeks in, the adrenalised peaks and emotional releases of the season are in full flow. The pleasure of seeing your happiness reflected in the faces and moods of people you have almost nothing else in common with apart from sitting a few feet away from you in the office when you sit in fourth place. For one team in our Fantasy League, it will be something else. Colour, sunshine, joy, winning. It could be you. Maybe, this once, it will be your time.

New Arsenal are setting the pace and some handy value-for-money fantasy picks are there, but what about Newcastle players? Eddie Howe’s record against the Citizens prior to Sunday was PL12 W0 D0 L12 F5 A39 PTS0 but that changed with a screaming, jaw-dropping, eye-popping 3-3 game. City haven’t run away with the league just yet, and I’ll grasp at any straw going. This season I have no horse in this race, I’m getting my excitement from the Championship which will keep the blood pumping warm this coming winter.

Monday Night Football saw United bounce back impressively from two humiliations and Liverpool looking lethargic. What was supposed to be an evening of barely contained rage and fury motivated by the levels of stagnation to which these American chancers have let the club descend ended up being one of the more euphoric experiences United fans have enjoyed in quite some time.

It captured the struggle fans have to protest against unfit and improper owners due to our emotional allegiance to our team. An organised march of fans from a pub the fans would have been in anyway, to a game that nobody ever had any intention of boycotting despite all the pre-match threats of a walkout that would result in an #emptyoldtrafford. You see, that’s the thing about us fans, when push comes to shove, we can’t bring ourselves to abandon our team in its hour of need. It is this ingrained emotionally driven loyalty that money-hungry leeches like the Glazers depend. Unconcerned by what fans think of them, the Americans don’t care what United supporters chant as long as they do so while wearing replica shirts and renew their season tickets of 30 years standing.

Our league shows an average score of 166 points, some have had a turbulent start to their season, reflecting the energy, sewage and Liz Truss shenanigans going on in the world, with more wildcards played than you get at Gala Bingo on a Saturday night. I think it was Thales of Miletus in Ancient Greece who declared Whoever said money can’t buy happiness just doesn’t know where to go shopping, and I took this to heart last week. Cogito ergo whopping great sums, time for Salah and Haaland.

What about Harry Kane, the man with the biggest ears in the Premier League? You can see Harry’s got massive outer ears, unless he has a perforated inside-out eardrum, in which case you can see the middle ear also. Bit of a worry if you can see his inner ear, or indeed if light comes out of the other side.  Like graffiti in a public toilet, our league table makes for interesting reading in the absence of anything more wholesome to consider.

With two of England’s all-time greats retiring this week in Ellen White and Jill Scott, I thought it a good time to talk to our own heroines in Sasha and Katie and understand their football philosophy and strategies.


How will you do? Old rivals have some experience, new entrants less than me – so I will smash all. Having said that, it’s hard to see myself not winning as I learned to ride a bike a long time ago.

What will it mean to win tsf.tech Fantasy League? What will it mean to win tsf.tech Fantasy League? Easy, because you have accumulated more points than other players. That’s right, isn’t it? It’s more important than the Eurovision Song contest. It will be the greatest day in my life since I learned to ride a bike and stopped getting scabby knees.

What new piece of club merchandise will you introduce should you win? I will introduce a range of crusty, meaty ‘pie in the sky’ and a first order of 23, to show everyone else that really, you never did stand a chance, all your talk literally was, pie in the sky.

My Prediction Constantly bemoaning the existence of a secret conspiracy stalling the progress of her brave men, with goalkeepers spitefully getting in the way of Haaland’s shots, having checked out her squad, I think there will be an issue with haircuts – her players, not her own – they are all too busy being preening pompadours. And because of this, SECOND.


How will you do? First. History suggests a tragicomic lurching surfing skid to flirting with glory with a hope that ability, spirit, and intelligence and being a woman can beat the advantages of money, although my expectations will tumble and thud upon the pavement of under achievement until I bounce back to claim top spot. I’m off to Primark tomorrow to buy a new frock for the winner’s ball.

What will it mean to win tsf.tech Fantasy League? I hope to use victory to become a pre-eminent sports psychologist; I’ve already written the first chapter of The good psychopath’s guide to fantasy league success. I’m good at creating disturbing mental images.

What new piece of club merchandise will you introduce should you win? A solar powered Vinnie Kompany AI robot that I will send to all other participants causing them deep psychological harm.

My Prediction Katie saw her first Burnley game aged three so has over 20 years’ experience of finishing below half-way in any league table, but with new found resilience, FIRST.

Newcastle are poised to go large by splurging £59m on Real Sociedad’s Swedish striker Alexander Isak, whilst Chelsea are after Anthony Gordon for a whopping £60m. Fourteen players have so far been signed by Premier League clubs for fees of £30m+ which compares to eight during the 2021 summer transfer window.

I’ll stop there as I’m starting to spit and rival Jamie Carragher’s penetrating Sky punditry and analysis – a man who claimed Ballotelli’s free transfer to Nice was over priced. So, the temperature is rising as the heat of battle intensifies for top dog. I know Scott woke up early this morning, pyjamas soaked through, having been chased over fields of broken glass in his dreams by Niall.

It’s deja vu all over again, transfer deadline is Saturday 11am, where your hopes and dreams bring floods of tears to a glass eye.

Saturday afternoon is football – check out the link to Ron Manager, a character from the glorious Fast Show

Ron Manager

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